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Archive for the ‘Happiness’ Category

My spine

A life of obscurity is not an option.
– Me


When you’re a kid, you have many dreams. You dream of being a ballerina and an astronaut and a super hero and, maybe, a cat. You and your friends run around the backyard pretending to fighting evil aliens. A box is not just a box — it is really a pirate ship that you sail around the world in. You dream of being the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor.

Alas, it is all just fantasy. Just the amazing imagination of your 4-year-old self. It isn’t real. We cannot time travel. Superheros do not exist. There are no such thing as wizards or vampires. The average girl cannot become a princess.

If you are like me and you refuse to give up your childhood fantasies, life can be unbearable. Especially at 25, when you still have dreams about being a super hero.

Natalie Portman is a ballerina.
Anna Paquin is a super hero.
Sigorney Weaver fights aliens.
Emma Watson is a wizard.
Anne Hathaway became a princess overnight.
Ashley Greene can live forever.

I do not have to give up on the ideas of my 4-year-old self.

I can do all of things things I wanted to do and be all of the people I wanted to be. I can do all of those things people told me were impossible.

I can be an actor and live as many lives as possible.

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“But when the summer days started slowly coming to an end,
I found you turning into nothing more then just a friend.
And now that summer’s over and it turns into the fall
It seems as though I lost you, I don’t mean anything at all.
Yet somehow now I don’t miss a thing;
You were just another summer fling.”

– Unknown

(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction – The Rolling Stones
Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) – Lady Gaga
Waka Waka (This Time For Africa) – Shakira
Fear of Wasted Time – Court Yard Younds
Eclipse (All Yours) – Metric
Heavy – Florence + the Machine
I Like It – Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull
All I Do is Win – DJ Khaled feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross
Summerboy – Lady Gaga
Surfin’ Bird – The Trashmen
Killer Queen – Queen
I Am the Cosmos – Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2
A Change Woul Do You Good – Sheryl Crow
She Wolf – Shakira
Good Ol’ Fashion Nightmare – Matt & Kim
Little Lion Man – Mumford & Sons
Shots – LMFAO & Lil Jon
Break Stuff – Limp Bizkit
Use Somebody – Kings of Leon
With A Little Help From My Friends – The Beatles
Big Pimp – Jay-Z
Digital Love – Daft Punk
Tequila – The Champs
Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked – Gage the Elephant
So Jersey – The Bouncing Souls
I Love Myself Today – Bif Naked
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) – Beyonce
Loser – Beck
Breathe – Anna Nalick
Hunter – Dido
Hey, Soul Sister – Train
I Love This Bar – Toby Keith
Bring on the Wonder – Susan Enan feat. Sarah McLachlan
Lady – Styx

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I realised today that not necessarily attention that I want… it is recognition.

I do not necessarily need to become a famous movie star: I would be perfectly happy being a screenwriter, novelist, activist, travel writer… the list goes on a little more, but you get the point.

I just want to be KNOWN for something. If my mother were stopped by an old acquaintance in the store, I would want her to say “Courtney is my daughter” and for the acquaintance to say “Oh my gosh! Your daughter is amazing!”

Maybe this makes my journey a little easier… or harder…

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Two things I have become quite obsessive about: babies and fame.

I know that the first is a result of my biological clock starting to tick VERY loudly.  But, I am on the 5-year plan, and hopefully, I will be financially sound enough to bring a child into this world by the time I am 30. It is the other thing that keeps me up at night…

Being famous has always been with me. It is so bad now, though, that I ache.  During my pre-school graduation, we were all asked to draw pictures of what we wanted to be when we grew up. Most everyone, as far as I can remember picked teacher, fire fighter, policeman, doctor, etc. Each presentation was meant with “awww” and “how cute.” When it was my turn, I walked onto the stage and held up a picture of a girl wearing a purple flapper outfit and stars around her head. I told the audience of mothers, fathers, grandparents, and siblings, that I wanted to be a movie star. Much to my dismay, my career choice was met with laughter. And so it has been ever since.

I have kept it to myself, mostly, because I have been ashamed: what sensible, intelligent person would want to be a movie star? Who WOULDN’T?! The thrill of being a new character all of the time, the constant change of scenery, co-workers and costumes — it gives me goosebumps! I guess though, I have come to realize that my longing to become a movie star is more of a longing for acceptance and, well, attention. 

How narcissistic of me to want millions of people to adore me. Yes, I am a very private person, but I would not mind sharing my world with everyone — hey, I have a blog, do I not? I just want someone, other than my mother or my friends, to tell me that I am wonderful and beautiful and talented and not just another average, normal, un-unique individual.

I want to be different… just like everyone else…

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