Archive for the ‘Sadness’ Category

WARNING: Minor spoiler alert

I was so distraught last week, when I read an article about Kellan Lutz giving Kristin Stewart advice about being a vampire. I knew I should not have done it, and that I would be left feeling guilty afterwards, but I could not resist.

I do not feel guitly anymore. I have plenty of other horrible emotions to cope with now.

I have just finished reading Book I of “Breaking Dawn” and I feel like I just caught my (imaginary) husband cheating on me with a man: betrayed, confused and heartbroken.

I have one thing to ask Stephanie Meyer, above everything else: WTF?!

The beginning was lovely — sweet but heartbreaking, just as I expected. But then it morphed into this horrendeous piece of shit.

Be still my aching heart.

What would possess her to write something so fucking ridiculous?

I started Book II, hoping that, because it was about Jacob, it would be better.


Again, the potential was there but, I ended up feeling betrayed… again.

I closed the book after only 150 pages because I felt like I was going to cry. And not the way I cried after finishing “Eclipse,” because these were tears of frustration and disappointment.

I told my mom how I felt I had been cheated. She made me feel better, saying that she, too, had read books that she had been so excited about, only to be let down by the author and a total “WTF?!” moment.  She told me that sometimes, authors go awry, for one reason or another, and we just have to accept it and move on.

I pledged to begin reading “1984” immediately, but talked myself down from that ledge.

I guess I must be a masochist and enjoy pain, because I have every intention of continuing to read tonight.

Maybe, I am just a sad and lonely idiot, so easy to forgive the hurt and the mistakes, and unwilling to let go of something that clearly isn’t right for me anymore.

I am hoping things will have changed and that this slight deviation was caused by mere curiousity and not a need to totally transform from what I had originally gotten into bed with.

I can’t stand anymore heartbreak. I knew this relationship was ending, but I had decided to take it slow and to enjoy it, instead of rushing to its demise. But I did not expect this.

I am not sure if I will recover…


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A little late, but I thought I’d post the playlist I made for my ridiculously long flight and subsequent bittersweet vacation in Hawaii…

Kissing – Bliss
Come Sail Away – Styx
Stay (Wasting Time) – Dave Matthews Band
Beautiful – Akon f. Colby O’Donis & Kardinal Offishall
Digital Love- Daft Punk
If We Ever Meet Again – Timbaland f. Katy Perry
Soak Up the Sun – Sheryl Crow
I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas
Forever – Chris Brown
Escape (The Pina Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes
All I Wanna Do – Sheryl Crow
Nothin on You – B.o.B f. Bruno Mars
Don’t Stop the Music – Rihanna
Send Me on My Way – Rusted Root
I Want to Break Free – Queen
Life is Wonderful – Jason Mraz
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic – The Police
Gimme More – Britney Spears
Haven’t Met You Yet – Michael Buble
Fantastic Voyage – Coolio
And She Said… – Lucas Prata
Save Tonight – Eagle Eye Cherry
Say Hey (I Love You) – Miachael Franti & Spearhead
Einstein on the Beach – Counting Crows
But U a Drink – T-Pain f. Young Joc
Hypnotize – Notorious B.I.G.
Outta My Head – Kylie Minogue
It’s Five O’Clock Somehwere – Alan Jackson
Fireflies – Owl City
Hot in Herre – Nelly
Forever Young – Alphaville
Sweat (A la la la Long) – Inner Circle
Sexy Lady – Young Berg
Say it Right – Nelly Furtado
Into the Night – Santana f. Chad Krueger
Shots – LMFAO and Lil Jon
The Great Escape – Boys Like Girls
Hey Baby – DJ Ortiz
Ching-a-Ling – Missy Elliott
My Chick Bad – Ludacris and Nicki Minaj
Hey, Soul Sister – Train
Kokomo – Beach Boys
Joy to the World – Three Dog Night
Stranded – Jennifer Paige
Tik Tok – Ke$ha
Island in the Sun – Weezer
(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To – Weezer
Rapture – Iio
Say Aah – Trey Songz f. Fabolous
Ooh La La – Goldfrapp
Wild World – Cat Stevens
Boys Boys Boys – Lady Gaga
Diva – Beyonce
All This Beauty – Cascada
Good Girls Go Bad – Cobra Starship f. Leighton Meister
Bubbly – Colbie Caillat
Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes – Jimmy Buffett
Here Comes Your Man – Meaghan Smith
Single Ladies – Beyonce
Rush – Aly & A.J.
She Wolf – Shakira
Break Your Heart – Taio Cruz f. Ludacris
Colorful – Rocco DeLuca f. the Burden
Lady – Styx
Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked – Cage the Elephant
Dancing in the Moonlight – Elvis Costello
Be OK – Ingrid Michaelson

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A door lay before me, in a row of many like it.

This one, though, was different;

it was unlocked.

And it was not by my own doing, but opened by another.

The door lay unlocked and accessible to me.

It seemed to be calling to me in a sweet and gentle tone.

But, my childish ways kept me from venturing any farther than where I was–

in front of a perfect, beautiful door and what happiness and wonder lay beyond it.

As I returned to the door, much later in life and in a more mature manner, I look to open it again.

Sadly, it is locked.

Another has already seized this golden opportunity.

I only wish I had turned the handle when I had the chance.

I hope that one day, this door,

or another like it

will unlock for me.

And this time,

I will open it.

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Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye – David Gray
Fool in the Rain – Led Zeppelin
Lullaby – Shawn Mullins
She Talks to Angels – Black Crows
Slept So Long – Jay Gordon of Orgy (from “Queen of the Damned”)
St. Patrick’s Day – John Mayer
Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
A Long December – Counting Crows
Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd
In Colo – Jamey Johnson
EZ – Pete Yorn
Desperately Wanting – Better Than Ezra
Either Way – Guster
Breathe Me – Sia
If It Makes You Happy – Sheryl Crow
Strange Condition – Pete Yorn
Be Like That – 3 Doors Down
Nothing Left to Lose – Mat Kearney
Motorcyle Drive By – Third Eye Blind
Life is Wonderful – Jason Mraz
Nightingale – Norah Jones
Wonderwall – Oasis
You Know I’m No Good – Amy Winehouse
Boston – Augustana
Let Go – Frou Frou
Just Feel Better – Carlos Santa f. Steven Tyler
Desperado – The Eagles
Angels on the Moon – Thriving Ivory
Sunday Mornings – Maroon 5
It’s Only Life – Kate Voegele
Read My Mind – The Killers
Drowning – Cleveland Lounge
Last Beautiful Girl – Matchbox Twenty
There Is a Light That Never Goes Out – The Smiths
Only Living Boy In New York – Simon and Garfunkel
Whiter Shade of Pale – Procul Harum
L.A. Song – Beth Hart
Positively 4th Street – Bob Dylan
Happier – Guster
What You Wish For – Guster
Look What You’ve Done – Jet
Walk Away – Ben Harper
No Suprises – Radiohead
Stop and Stare – OneRepublic
Full of Grace – Sarah McLachlan
Vienna – Billy Joel
Breakdown – Jack Johnson
Two Points for Honesty – Guster
Low – Kelly Clarkson
The Little Things – Danny Elfman
Auld Lang Syne – performed by Mairi Campbell and Dave Francis (from “Sex and the City”)
Revelry – Kings of Leon
Caring is Creepy – The Shins
Mad World – Gary Jules
Good – Better Than Ezraz
Wild Horses – performed by The Sundays
Our House – Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
Moment of Happiness (from “Innocence”) – composed by Christophe Beck (from “Buffy”)
World Spins Madly On – The Weepies
The Long Day is Over – Norah Jones

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God made women beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that a man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him.

– Anon

The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
Turn Me On – Norah Jones
Crazy Love – Van Morrison f. Bob Marley
Les Champs-Elysees – Joe Dassin
Picture to Burn – Taylor Swift
Everytime I Look for You – Blink 182
Your Love is My Drug – Ke$ha
Smile – Lily Allen
Ocean Front Property – George Strait
Here Comes Your Man – Pixies
Last Call – Lee Ann Womack
Bring On the Wonder – Susan Enan f. Sarah McLachlan
Whenever, Wherever – Shakira
Sunday Kind of Love – Etta James
Love Fool – Cardigans
Stellar – Incubus
Stitches – Orgy
Murder, He Says – Tori Amos
Out Loud – Dispatch
Starstrukk – 3OH!3 f. Katy Perry
Good Night Irene – Mitch Miller
Manhattan – Kings of Leon
Love and Memories – O.A.R.
Crush – Gavin DeGraw
To Be With You – Mr. Big
I Do – Jude
Gives You Hell – All American Rejects
Vienna – Billy Joel
Parting Gift – Fiona Apple
Stranded – Jennifer Paige
Silver Lining – Rilo Kiley
All For You – Sister Hazel
Cheating – Jettingham
Love Drunk – Boys Like Girls
Walk Away – Ben Harper
Wear My Ring – Bart Crow Band
Corona and Lime – Shwayze
All ‘Cause of You – The 88
Shake it Off – Mariah Carey
Geek in Pink – Jason Mraz
Cowboy Casanova – Carrie Underwood
Dream Girl – Dave Matthews Band
White Flag – Dido
Foundations – Kate Nash
Always Getting Over You – Angela Ammons
Drowning – Cleveland Lounge (AK1200 remix)
Torn – Natalie Imbruglia
Sunday Mornings – Maroon 5
Be Be Your Love – Rachael Yamagata
Summerboy – Lady Gaga
Best of You – Foo Fighters
Piece of My Heart – Janis Joplin
Breakeven – The Script
Africa – Toto
Motorcycle Drive By – Third Eye Blind
You’re the Good Things – Modest Mouse
Beast of Burden – The Rolling Stones
The Luckiest – Ben Folds
Son of a Gun (I Betcha Think This Song is About You) – Janet Jackson f. Carly Simon, P Diddy & Missy Elliott
Breathe In – Frou Frou
Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) – Vertical Horizon
If It Makes You Happy – Sheryl Crow
By Your Side – Sade
Untouchable Face (F*ck You) – ani difranco
A Long December – Counting Crows
Please Forgive Me – David Gray
Tangled Up in Blue – Bob Dylan
Fool in the Rain – Led Zeppelin
What Goes Around (Comes Around) – Justin Timberlake
Say Hello, Wave Goodbye – David Gray

Dedicated to those I lost and who lost me, those I had and never did, those I have not met yet, and the one I finally keep

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i hate the holidays.

they always make me think about all shitty bits of my life.

it also makes me feel very lonely, despite the fact that i am with my family.

i wish i could vacation during christmas — explore a new land or lay on a beach somewhere.

i feel like george bailey.

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So, for anyone who is wondering, he came all the way to Times Square to see me.

Megan took this as an opportunity to smoke a cig and speak to a friend who was calling from Tokyo.

I told him that I expected more from him — that even if he had decided to be with her, I would have thought that he would have told me. He apologized for being an ass, and I cannot remembe much more of that.

Megan and I had a delightful time in NYC, as per usual. We wandered around, asked random people on the subway where they like to go and went there. We met an Indian man who was from the place I went to in India and a group of beautiful men traveling from Argentina.

He texted me while I was in the Lower East Side with the beautiful Argentinian men to ask me where I was. I told him (like an idiot) and he hopped in a cab to come see me (like an idiot). He waited until his girlfriend was asleep before he left.

When he FINALLY arrived, I was waiting outside the bar and immediately kissed him.

It was so empty and passionless (is that a word??) I knew it was over.

So did he.

He pulled away and said he felt guilty for coming.

I told him I understood. He said that he felt more guilty this time than any other time he had seen me while they were together. That this time, he felt like it was a mistake.

I told him he finally realized who he really wanted to be with.

He apologized. I told him not to. That I was glad that I, that we, now had closure.

The Argentinian men, whom Megan had filled in on the situation while I was gone, asked me if I was angry that he had just “kissed and run.” I told them no, I was not. Yes, it would hurt for a little while to have lost him, but at least I would not have to continue to wonder if/when he would leave her and if/when we would be together. No matter how wrong it was for him to have come, it was what he needed in order to realized that SHE was the right one. It was what I needed in order to realize that he was gone for good now.

And so, another chapter is closed in the book of men of my life.

Actually, this makes ALL chapters closed…

What an odd feeling — to have no loose ends.

New year — new book….

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