This shall be my first attempt at blogging therapy. My hope is that after I say why I have to say, I will never think about it again.
I NEED to let go of this…
About an hour ago, I got a phone call from someone I have not heard from since July. This is not just some acquaintance. This is someone I whole-heartedly cared about and, from what he had previously said to me, he felt the same.
We had movie-esque moments together. There was one night when we were in NYC, it was raining a bit and we were running from the restaurant to another bar. He stopped dead in his tracks where the curb met the road. I asked him why he was stopping since there was not a car in sight. He did not respond. Instead, he turned around and kissed me.
How we met is like a screenplay, too…
I dated his brother for a spell in college. I met him for the first time while out with him, his brother and some of their friends. I do not remember how we began talking, but we did not stop for the entire evening. We did not even notice, either… we were just so fixated on what the other had to say. After leaving to go to another bar, I decided that it was time for me to get to bed and I started walking to my car. He asked if he could walk with me, slightly alarmed, I said yes, but only after discovering the brother I had been dating was nowhere to be found. I had no intention of kissing him good night. I mean, why would I? Wrong brother!! I still remember what he said as I turned to get into my car: “I know this is really REALLY wrong but all I want to do right now is kiss you good night.” And so we kissed… just as his brother walked out of the bar.
That was the only time I ever cheated.
We had more classic moments through the years, and our fallouts were equally as dramatic. We could never seem to fully come together as a couple…
He started seeing someone about three years ago. We would still see each other, but it was mostly when we ran into each other in gatherings of mutual friends. It seemed as if we had both just accepted that we would never be together.
Then came Christmas Day 2008. I had not spoken to him in several month, which was common for us, but it was wholly unexpected because I knew he was in the Midwest visiting his family and I knew his girlfriend was with him. I could tell he was drunk. Turns out, he had gotten into a huge fight with his girlfriend and locked himself in the bathroom. He did not want to speak to anyone but me. I still am not sure why.
After that day, things changed between us. There became this intense longing that we had never felt before. We needed to be with each other again. For REAL this time. We spoke almost weekly, a huge feat considering he was now an associate in a NYC law firm and I was stuck in NC doing the Air Force thing. And because he was now living with his girlfriend.
She eventually caught on to who he was talking to — I think because he made the mistake of leaving a bar where they were both out at to call me. The phone calls became more sporadic. I gave him his space, though I ached to hear his voice.
Through the fabulous stalking tool known as “Facebook” I found out he was going on a trip to Europe with her over the summer. I became filled with anger. Why on EARTH would he want to spend two weeks in a foreign country, just the two of them, if all he ever told me was how miserable he was with her and how much he wanted to leave her and be with ME??
I took advantage of the fact that he called me drunk one night and asked him. He told me that this was going to be the end. He was going on this trip with her because they had already planned it months and months ago, but that we he got back, it was over and that he loved me and we would finally make it work. He promised he would come down to visit with my mother two weeks later.
This, of course, never happened. I never heard from him when he got back and his profile was deleted.
I was crushed. No, I do not think crushed is right word. I was paralyzed. I felt nothing. I was too shocked and too confused. It hurt more than all the hundreds of times my ex had broken my heart. It felt like my spirit was broken. He was the one person I felt really connected to and now the connection was broken.
Well, like any mature adult, the first time I got drunk a month or two later, I called him. He, of course, did not answer, and I proceeded to leave him a voicemail about how upset I was and how pissed I was that he had told me all of these lies. I also took it one step further and drunk FB-messaged (god bless the 21st century) his brother (who, I should note is madly in love with a WONDERFUL girl and has been for several years now. I think/hope they are going to get engaged soon!) and told him about the pre-Europe conversation and asked him what the HELL his brother’s problem was.
I got no response. From either of them.
Until tonight. No joke, my heart stopped for a split second and I almost passed out.
It is partially due to the fact that I called him by accident. I SWEAR it was by accident. I have this new phone that does not lock right away and it pocket-dialed him. I know, I know… why do I even still have his number in my phone, but I do.
I could barely hear him but for some stupid reason I decided to tell him that I would be in NYC next week (which I actually will) and he said he would “make every effort to see me” but “of course it would have to be in secret.”
Can I get a huge FML?? (That means “f*ck my life” for those unfamiliar with the website. You should check it out, it is actually quite funny. www.fmylife.com)
Pain shot through my heart. (and your to blame, you give love a bad name… sorry… Jersey moment for a sec!)
I hung up.
I do not know what I should think. Or feel.
Our story has been so, well, storybook, that he could make some huge dramatic gesture and show up somewhere in the city (I am picturing a Carrie/Mr. Big-type moment). Or he could not show up at all. And if he does show up, what happens after that?
I want closure. I want to know what happened and why he could do this to me. I want to know what he was/is thinking. I want to know if he still thinks of me at random moments, like I do of him. I wonder if he even remembers all of the things I do.
I now need to wipe this out of my mind. I need to finish my work week, get on a plane and go home. I need to go to NYC with the girls and think about being in NYC with the girls and nothing else.
Read Full Post »