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Archive for the ‘Lust’ Category

“But when the summer days started slowly coming to an end,
I found you turning into nothing more then just a friend.
And now that summer’s over and it turns into the fall
It seems as though I lost you, I don’t mean anything at all.
Yet somehow now I don’t miss a thing;
You were just another summer fling.”

– Unknown

(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction – The Rolling Stones
Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) – Lady Gaga
Waka Waka (This Time For Africa) – Shakira
Fear of Wasted Time – Court Yard Younds
Eclipse (All Yours) – Metric
Heavy – Florence + the Machine
I Like It – Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull
All I Do is Win – DJ Khaled feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross
Summerboy – Lady Gaga
Surfin’ Bird – The Trashmen
Killer Queen – Queen
I Am the Cosmos – Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2
A Change Woul Do You Good – Sheryl Crow
She Wolf – Shakira
Good Ol’ Fashion Nightmare – Matt & Kim
Little Lion Man – Mumford & Sons
Shots – LMFAO & Lil Jon
Break Stuff – Limp Bizkit
Use Somebody – Kings of Leon
With A Little Help From My Friends – The Beatles
Big Pimp – Jay-Z
Digital Love – Daft Punk
Tequila – The Champs
Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked – Gage the Elephant
So Jersey – The Bouncing Souls
I Love Myself Today – Bif Naked
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) – Beyonce
Loser – Beck
Breathe – Anna Nalick
Hunter – Dido
Hey, Soul Sister – Train
I Love This Bar – Toby Keith
Bring on the Wonder – Susan Enan feat. Sarah McLachlan
Lady – Styx

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Love.
Love…
Love?
Love!
Love.

love [luhv]
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one’s neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

The ancient Greeks and Romans had several different words for love .

The Japanese and Buddhists have two.

Love is not just a word or a feeling. Science has shown that our bodies actually respond to this affliction. Neurotransmitters respond, hormones are released, goosebumps, palpitations.

Love has been the Muse of writers for thousands of years.

Aristotle said that “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”

Virgil proclaimed that “love conquers all.”

According to Chinese proverb, “a heart that loves is always young.”

Shakespeare proclaimed his love of Love time and time again in his plays and poems.

Dr. Suess explains that one knows they are in love “when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

Well doc, I can never sleep, but I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with love.

Or does it?

I had every intention of writing about my desire to fall in love, but I sat here for about 45 minutes unable to type anything further.

A friend told me that before I start trying to figure out who my great love was, I needed to figure out who *I* was.

I am now watching the “Sex and the City” movie for the 90th time (and the second time tonight) and something Samantha says is sticking out:

“I’m gonna say the one thing you aren’t supposed to say. I love you…but I love me more. I’ve been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that’s the one I need to work on.”

I do not think I have actually ever loved myself. Maybe when I was a kid. I have moments where I think I am f*cking awesome, but they never last and I always go back to thinking about how much I suck.

I have a penchant for dwelling on all of my failures, mistakes and wrongs.

I constantly compare my life to others who are doing better and that are happier (or seem happier) than I am.

So, the new question I find myself needing to answer:

How do I fall in love with myself?

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The hook brings you back…

Blues Traveler

You Can’t Always Get What You Want – The Rolling Stones
Layla – Eric Clapton
La Vie Boheme – Rent (favorite show tune)
Sympathy for the Devil – The Rolling Stones (favorite Stones’ song)
Fool in the Rain – Led Zeppelin
Tainted Love – Soft Cell (favorite 80’s song)
Bohemian Rapsody – Queen
Ghost Town – The Specials
Maggie May – Rod Stewart
Wild Horses – Sundays version
Better Off Alone – Alice Deejay (favorite ringtone)
Slept So Long – Jay Gordon
St Patrick’s Day – John Mayer
Walk This Way – Run DMC/Aerosmith
Baba O’Riley – The Who
Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
La La Land – Green Velvet
Lola – The Kinks (#1 song)
Nasty Girl (Duets remix) – Notorious BIG
Mrs. Officer – Lil Wayne f. Bobby Valentino (favorite Rap/Hip Hop song)
American Boy – Estelle
Bossy – Kelis
Down with the Sickness – Disturbed
Desperately Wanting – Better than Ezra
Joy to the World – Three Dog Night
Strange Condition – Pete Yorn
In the Waiting Line – Zero Seven
Love Lockdown – Kanye West
Single Ladies – Beyonce (favorite song to work out to)
Mr. Jones – Counting Crows
Breathe In – Frou Frou
Gettin Jiggy Wit It – Will Smith (favorite guilty pleasure)
Boys boys boys – Lady Gaga (favorite Gaga song)
You Know I’m No Good – Amy Whinehouse
I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow – Soggy Bottom Boys
Shoop – Salt n Pepa (favorite karaoke song)
Escape (the Pina Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes (favorite feel good song)
The Little Things – Danny Elfman (favorite song when I am pissed)
Lay Lady Lay – Bob Dylan
Love Fool – Cardigans (favorite 90’s song)
Faster Kill Pussy Cat – Paul Oakenfeld f. Brittany Murphy
You Belong to Me – Tori Amos
Killer Queen – Queen
Do Something – Britney Spears (favorite Britney song)
Celebrity Skin – Hole
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas – Shirley Temple (favorite Christmas song)
Rocky Racoon – the Beatles (favorite Beatles song)
Only the Good Die Young – Billy Joel
Waking up in Vegas – Katy Perry
Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band (favorite country song)

Favorite soundtracks
Mona Lisa Smile
The Darjeeling Limited
Garden State
(500) Days of Summer
Sex and the City
Across the Universe
Guys and Dolls (favorite musical)

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So, for anyone who is wondering, he came all the way to Times Square to see me.

Megan took this as an opportunity to smoke a cig and speak to a friend who was calling from Tokyo.

I told him that I expected more from him — that even if he had decided to be with her, I would have thought that he would have told me. He apologized for being an ass, and I cannot remembe much more of that.

Megan and I had a delightful time in NYC, as per usual. We wandered around, asked random people on the subway where they like to go and went there. We met an Indian man who was from the place I went to in India and a group of beautiful men traveling from Argentina.

He texted me while I was in the Lower East Side with the beautiful Argentinian men to ask me where I was. I told him (like an idiot) and he hopped in a cab to come see me (like an idiot). He waited until his girlfriend was asleep before he left.

When he FINALLY arrived, I was waiting outside the bar and immediately kissed him.

It was so empty and passionless (is that a word??) I knew it was over.

So did he.

He pulled away and said he felt guilty for coming.

I told him I understood. He said that he felt more guilty this time than any other time he had seen me while they were together. That this time, he felt like it was a mistake.

I told him he finally realized who he really wanted to be with.

He apologized. I told him not to. That I was glad that I, that we, now had closure.

The Argentinian men, whom Megan had filled in on the situation while I was gone, asked me if I was angry that he had just “kissed and run.” I told them no, I was not. Yes, it would hurt for a little while to have lost him, but at least I would not have to continue to wonder if/when he would leave her and if/when we would be together. No matter how wrong it was for him to have come, it was what he needed in order to realized that SHE was the right one. It was what I needed in order to realize that he was gone for good now.

And so, another chapter is closed in the book of men of my life.

Actually, this makes ALL chapters closed…

What an odd feeling — to have no loose ends.

New year — new book….

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This shall be my first attempt at blogging therapy. My hope is that after I say why I have to say, I will never think about it again.

I NEED to let go of this…

About an hour ago, I got a phone call from someone I have not heard from since July. This is not just some acquaintance. This is someone I whole-heartedly cared about and, from what he had previously said to me, he felt the same. 

We had movie-esque moments together.  There was one night when we were in NYC, it was raining a bit and we were running from the restaurant to another bar. He stopped dead in his tracks where the curb met the road. I asked him why he was stopping since there was not a car in sight. He did not respond. Instead, he turned around and kissed me.

How we met is like a screenplay, too…

I dated his brother for a spell in college. I met him for the first time while out with him, his brother and some of their friends. I do not remember how we began talking, but we did not stop for the entire evening. We did not even notice, either… we were just so fixated on what the other had to say. After leaving to go to another bar, I decided that it was time for me to get to bed and I started walking to my car. He asked if he could walk with me, slightly alarmed, I said yes, but only after discovering the brother I had been dating was nowhere to be found.  I had no intention of kissing him good night. I mean, why would I? Wrong brother!! I still remember what he said as I turned to get into my car: “I know this is really REALLY wrong but all I want to do right now is kiss you good night.” And so we kissed… just as his brother walked out of the bar.

That was the only time I ever cheated.

We had more classic moments through the years, and our fallouts were equally as dramatic. We could never seem to fully come together as a couple…

He started seeing someone about three years ago. We would still see each other, but it was mostly when we ran into each other in gatherings of mutual friends. It seemed as if we had both just accepted that we would never be together.

Then came Christmas Day 2008. I had not spoken to him in several month, which was common for us, but it was wholly unexpected because I knew he was in the Midwest visiting his family and I knew his girlfriend was with him. I could tell he was drunk. Turns out, he had gotten into a huge fight with his girlfriend and locked himself in the bathroom. He did not want to speak to anyone but me. I still am not sure why.

After that day, things changed between us. There became this intense longing that we had never felt before. We needed to be with each other again. For REAL this time. We spoke almost weekly, a huge feat considering he was now an associate in a NYC law firm and I was stuck in NC doing the Air Force thing. And because he was now living with his girlfriend.

She eventually caught on to who he was talking to — I think because he made the mistake of leaving a bar where they were both out at to call me. The phone calls became more sporadic. I gave him his space, though I ached to hear his voice.

Through the fabulous stalking tool known as “Facebook” I found out he was going on a trip to Europe with her over the summer. I became filled with anger. Why on EARTH would he want to spend two weeks in a foreign country, just the two of them, if all he ever told me was how miserable he was with her and how much he wanted to leave her and be with ME??

I took advantage of the fact that he called me drunk one night and asked him. He told me that this was going to be the end. He was going on this trip with her because they had already planned it months and months ago, but that we he got back, it was over and that he loved me and we would finally make it work. He promised he would come down to visit with my mother two weeks later.

This, of course, never happened. I never heard from him when he got back and his profile was deleted.

I was crushed. No, I do not think crushed is right word. I was paralyzed. I felt nothing. I was too shocked and too confused. It hurt more than all the hundreds of times my ex had broken my heart. It felt like my spirit was broken. He was the one person I felt really connected to and now the connection was broken.

Well, like any mature adult, the first time I got drunk a month or two later, I called him. He, of course, did not answer, and I proceeded to leave him a voicemail about how upset I was and how pissed I was that he had told me all of these lies. I also took it one step further and drunk FB-messaged (god bless the 21st century) his brother (who, I should note is madly in love with a WONDERFUL girl and has been for several years now. I think/hope they are going to get engaged soon!) and told him about the pre-Europe conversation and asked him what the HELL his brother’s problem was.

I got no response. From either of them.

Until tonight. No joke, my heart stopped for a split second and I almost passed out.

It is partially due to the fact that I called him by accident. I SWEAR it was by accident. I have this new phone that does not lock right away and it pocket-dialed him. I know, I know… why do I even still have his number in my phone, but I do.

I could barely hear him but for some stupid reason I decided to tell him that I would be in NYC next week (which I actually will) and he said he would “make every effort to see me” but “of course it would have to be in secret.”

Can I get a huge FML?? (That means “f*ck my life” for those unfamiliar with the website. You should check it out, it is actually quite funny. www.fmylife.com)

Pain shot through my heart. (and your to blame, you give love a bad name… sorry… Jersey moment for a sec!)

I hung up.

I do not know what I should think. Or feel.

Our story has been so, well, storybook, that he could make some huge dramatic gesture and show up somewhere in the city (I am picturing a Carrie/Mr. Big-type moment). Or he could not show up at all. And if he does show up, what happens after that?

I want closure. I want to know what happened and why he could do this to me. I want to know what he was/is thinking. I want to know if he still thinks of me at random moments, like I do of him. I wonder if he even remembers all of the things I do.

I now need to wipe this out of my mind. I need to finish my work week, get on a plane and go home. I need to go to NYC with the girls and think about being in NYC with the girls and nothing else.

Ok. go…

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