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I recently went back to my semi-natural light hair after almost 2 years of jet black. While my whole family (and most of my friends) enjoy the new “lighter side of Courtney,” I cannot help but miss my dark locks. I am not sure if it was real or imagined, but I always felt this certain air of mystery about myself with black hair. While dark hair has its downsides — light roots made me look like I was balding and forget about wearing all black and not being considered “goth” — it really was my favorite hair color of all (and I have been MANY colors).

Now that I am back to blonde, I feel less, well, attractive. It is as if I blend in now, rather than stand out. This is not to say that all the girls I know are blonde, but that there is nothing “WOW” about my blonde locks. My hair is very much a statement piece for me and I have done everything from pixie to extensions to bleach blonde, fire engine red and jet black. My hair is part of my personality and every time I transform it, my identity seems to transform with it. I had much more confidence with dark hair, but now I seem to have lost it.

I have a friend who totally rocks her blonde — she is extremely attractive, athletic and very out going. She is not ditzy by any means and has this amazing aura about her that is only complimented by her beautiful blonde hair. I could never imagine her with any other shade of hair — not even a darker blonde… her hair color really does fit her. I think maybe that my dark locks fit me more.

I have had a few people (not just my blondes) tell me that blonde is more attractive and that guys totally love blondes. I’m not so sure I agree with that. I quickly thought of 5 current hotties and only of one them is blonde: Angelina Jolie, Eva Mendes, Megan Fox (vom!), Beyonce and Marissa Miller (my fave Angel!). But is that just me? To see if I was right, I went and looked at all of the recent “Hottie” lists to see what the predominant hair color was and, SURPRISE: blondes no longer reign supreme!

Victoria’s Secret named Olivia Wilde “Sexiest Actress” on it’s “What is Sexy?” list. My twin (when I had dark hair), Katy Perry, was named Maxim’s #1 Hottie and, while FHM picked Marissa Miller for its top spot, #2 and #3 were brunettes (Megan Fox and K-Stew, respectively and can I add a VOMIT!?!)

Now, I am in no way hating on blondes. There will forever be iconic blondes: Marilyn, Barbie, Twiggy, Elle Woods… and some of my favorite women are blondes: Heidi, Britney, Blake… and but I am thinking that blondes need to hand over the crown for a little while.

Also, I think I need to make a hair appointment…

(NOTE: And let me also say that this really has nothing to do with a lack of attention from men, it has to do with my own self-confidence and opinion of myself. I felt much more comfortable as a brunette and I was more assertive and more likely to talk to total strangers.  I loved the “exotic” look my dark hair gave me and I played it up.  The last few times I have gone out, I have noticed that I have become this scared little girl again. It needs to change and I really feel that my hair color helps me.)

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I have just finished reading “Commited” by Elizabeth Gilbert.

For those unfamiliar with the book and/or the author, I will give you a quick synopsis. 

Elizabeth Gilbert is a 30-something writer who, after traveling the world (which she discusses her previous memoir, “Eat, Pray, Love”) and rediscovering herself, falls in love again.  She and her partner, Felipe, have already been through terrible divorces and never want to marry again.  But, thanks to the Department of Homeland Security, they are forced into marriage.  During their exile, Gilbert spends timing researching marriage, something she fears she is doomed to fail again.  She mixes socio-historical information, family history, and stories from her travels in order to simplify this complex “institution.”

Unfortunately, I was not as pleased with “Commited” as I was with “Eat, Pray, Love.”  I felt as though she embellished and plain made up things in order to make a good story.  Also, I did not like that she claims to be of the same mold as the women in her family.  I do not doubt that she adores her mother and grandmother, but she is hardly as selfless and giving as they were.  After all, she walked away from her first marriage because she was unhappy.  She will now pay her ex royalties forever because she just wanted it to all go away, rather than fight for what was truly hers.  Also, she spent an entire YEAR “finding herself” in Italy, India and Bali. Not really something the women in her family would have, let alone could have, ever done.

But that is not really the point of my rant.

As disappointing as her novel was, it has seriously made me reconsider how much I really want to get married.

WHY do I want to get married so much?

What is it I hope to accomplish by doing so?

A friend of Gilbert’s, said that she just longed to feel chosen.  That getting married was a public affirmation that you are special and that someone has chosen YOU, above everyone else, to spend forever with.

And I think I agree with her.

But that’s all I have right now… all I know is I want to rethink my ideas on marriage and “happily ever after.”

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