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Archive for the ‘The Future’ Category

i just found a journal i made in 2002.

i made a list of 131 things i wanted to do before i died.

i have knocked off several, but have since had to remove some. for instance, walk on the field at yankee stadium.

here’s what is left, in no particular order:

* visit one of the 7 wonders
* see the aurora borealis
* take a mud bath
* smoke a cigar
* camp in Yellowstone
* ski the Rockies, Alps and in Aspen (all separate tasks)
* hike entire Appalachian Trail
* free a wild animal
* watch an execution (not sure I want to do that anymore)
* mark in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade
* sew a quilt
* drive a boat
* climb a volcano
* visit Niagara Falls
* live in Europe
* interview a celebrity
* work for a magazine
* date a doctor
* date a celebrity
* bow before an emperor
* write a novel
* read War and Peace
* ride on a fire truck
* pull a fire alarm
* meet a world leader
* drive on the Autobaun
* swim in Lake Victoria (I don’t even know if you can do that??)
* achieve a 4.0 GPA (not sure that will ever happen)
* be in a music video
* meet Will Smith(not sure why this was so important at the time)
* make snow angels in Alaska
* visit Anne Frank’s grave
* climb to the top of the Statue of Liberty (how have I not done this already???)
* post-graduate degree
* squish grapes with my feet
* run with the bulls in Spain
* celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland
* celebrate Cinco de Mayo in Mexico
* celebrate Mardi Gras in New Orleans
* photograph a Great White (seriously reconsidering this one!!)
* eat snow/ice from the North Pole
* work at a zoo
* coach
* teach
* fly a plane
* ice skate at Rockafellar
* see an opera
* meet a Prince hahahahaha
* play ice hockey
* cliff dive
* bungee jump
* be in a movie
* visit Italy
* streak
* graffiti a building
* build a house
* bash a window
* build a car
* race a car
* get into a fist fight (i must have been angry while writing some of these!)
* own a restaurant
* visit base camp at Everest
* visit the Nile River
* swim the English Channel
* pet a wild anaconda
* visit the Amazon
* pet a wild kangaroo
* dive the Great Barrier Reef
* swim with dolphins
* get married
* learn a foreign language
* drink vodka in Russia
* go back to the UK
* see the sunrise in Japan
* visit Mexico
* visit every state
* learn to snowboard

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A door lay before me, in a row of many like it.

This one, though, was different;

it was unlocked.

And it was not by my own doing, but opened by another.

The door lay unlocked and accessible to me.

It seemed to be calling to me in a sweet and gentle tone.

But, my childish ways kept me from venturing any farther than where I was–

in front of a perfect, beautiful door and what happiness and wonder lay beyond it.

As I returned to the door, much later in life and in a more mature manner, I look to open it again.

Sadly, it is locked.

Another has already seized this golden opportunity.

I only wish I had turned the handle when I had the chance.

I hope that one day, this door,

or another like it

will unlock for me.

And this time,

I will open it.

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It is Monday, 05 April 2010.

Things that I am:

√ in New Jersey

√ a Veteran

√ unemployed

√ uninsured

√ excited

√ confident

√ relaxed

√ determined

Things I am NOT:

fearful

naive

sorry

confused

depressed

alone

Things I am excited about here:

♥ my family and friends!

♥ Phillies baseball (and baseball in general)

♥ malls, malls, malls!!

♥ Dunkin Donuts, Saladworks, Wawa

♥ the Shore

♥ NYC, AC and Philly

Things I am not so excited about here:

≠ traffic

≠crowds

≠Canadian geese

≠Yankees fans (which are relatively similar to Canadian geese, I might add!)

≠job hunting

Things I miss about NC:

♥ my girls!

♥ Rue 21, 24-hour Super Walmarts!

♥ Zaxby’s

♥ Southern hospitality

♥ seeing the ALL the stars at night

♥ cheaper everything!!

Things I do NOT miss about NC:

≠being in the middle of nowhere

≠constant religious pressure

≠the military life (including, but not limited to: wearing cover when I go outside, recalls at 0500, exercise exercise exercise exercise and crappy pay…)

≠being called “thick like a color girl”

≠ that green coat of pollen on my car every monring

Should be an exciting new chapter…

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I have just finished reading “Commited” by Elizabeth Gilbert.

For those unfamiliar with the book and/or the author, I will give you a quick synopsis. 

Elizabeth Gilbert is a 30-something writer who, after traveling the world (which she discusses her previous memoir, “Eat, Pray, Love”) and rediscovering herself, falls in love again.  She and her partner, Felipe, have already been through terrible divorces and never want to marry again.  But, thanks to the Department of Homeland Security, they are forced into marriage.  During their exile, Gilbert spends timing researching marriage, something she fears she is doomed to fail again.  She mixes socio-historical information, family history, and stories from her travels in order to simplify this complex “institution.”

Unfortunately, I was not as pleased with “Commited” as I was with “Eat, Pray, Love.”  I felt as though she embellished and plain made up things in order to make a good story.  Also, I did not like that she claims to be of the same mold as the women in her family.  I do not doubt that she adores her mother and grandmother, but she is hardly as selfless and giving as they were.  After all, she walked away from her first marriage because she was unhappy.  She will now pay her ex royalties forever because she just wanted it to all go away, rather than fight for what was truly hers.  Also, she spent an entire YEAR “finding herself” in Italy, India and Bali. Not really something the women in her family would have, let alone could have, ever done.

But that is not really the point of my rant.

As disappointing as her novel was, it has seriously made me reconsider how much I really want to get married.

WHY do I want to get married so much?

What is it I hope to accomplish by doing so?

A friend of Gilbert’s, said that she just longed to feel chosen.  That getting married was a public affirmation that you are special and that someone has chosen YOU, above everyone else, to spend forever with.

And I think I agree with her.

But that’s all I have right now… all I know is I want to rethink my ideas on marriage and “happily ever after.”

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I have not posted in a while.

Life has been quite boring lately and I am THRILLED about this.

I was reading some of my other posts and I have decided to scale down my “Year 25” goals.

1. Sing or act in public = Take an acting class (Hopefully, I will be back in school in the fall!!)
2. Write something significant = FINISH an unfinished project (I have several!)
3. Learn a foreign language = Take a language class (I am thinking about learning Greek)
4. Visit a new foreign country = visit a new state (I have a pretty limited budget these days!)

I am not crossing out my original goals, I am just being more realistic with them.

Additionally, I have decided to set some self-improvement goals:

1. Improve diet.
I am not dieting, I am just eating better.

2. Be less critical of myself and others.
I tend to hold those close to me to VERY high standards and I write people off for the tiniest of offenses. Also, I need to realise that I am not perfect (though I am damn close! HAHA) and that I will not get everything right the first time and I may not always find happiness on the first try. The point is to keep trying and to learn from my mistakes. “Life is a journey, not a destination.”

3. Read more, TV less.
So far, getting rid of cable is not so bad. Netflix is great and I am enjoying my book list!

I am happy at the moment, for the first time in a long time.

Just waiting to find out when I will be going home…

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Two things I have become quite obsessive about: babies and fame.

I know that the first is a result of my biological clock starting to tick VERY loudly.  But, I am on the 5-year plan, and hopefully, I will be financially sound enough to bring a child into this world by the time I am 30. It is the other thing that keeps me up at night…

Being famous has always been with me. It is so bad now, though, that I ache.  During my pre-school graduation, we were all asked to draw pictures of what we wanted to be when we grew up. Most everyone, as far as I can remember picked teacher, fire fighter, policeman, doctor, etc. Each presentation was meant with “awww” and “how cute.” When it was my turn, I walked onto the stage and held up a picture of a girl wearing a purple flapper outfit and stars around her head. I told the audience of mothers, fathers, grandparents, and siblings, that I wanted to be a movie star. Much to my dismay, my career choice was met with laughter. And so it has been ever since.

I have kept it to myself, mostly, because I have been ashamed: what sensible, intelligent person would want to be a movie star? Who WOULDN’T?! The thrill of being a new character all of the time, the constant change of scenery, co-workers and costumes — it gives me goosebumps! I guess though, I have come to realize that my longing to become a movie star is more of a longing for acceptance and, well, attention. 

How narcissistic of me to want millions of people to adore me. Yes, I am a very private person, but I would not mind sharing my world with everyone — hey, I have a blog, do I not? I just want someone, other than my mother or my friends, to tell me that I am wonderful and beautiful and talented and not just another average, normal, un-unique individual.

I want to be different… just like everyone else…

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I have recently turned 25. I never found this to be a very “old” age or a very “young” age. In fact, I was quite excited tobe able to check off a new box under the “Select Your Age” category. It was not until I joined the military last year and found myself surrounded by 18-23 year olds who are already married that I began to feel less, well, young. It is not that I am necessarily in a hurry to get married or anything, I just began to reconsider my priorities and what I needed/hoped to accomplish at this point in my life. So far, I am quite pleased with what I have done:

College graduate, traveled the world, no college loans, (had a) meaningful job…

But I have learned, being a transplant from New Jersey to North Carolina, that these “accomplishments” are quite regional. When I was in the real world (Note: I call my life before the military the real world because my world, now, is FAR from real) all of my friends were unmarried and I do not know many of us that were even considering marriage until we were well established in our careers, out of our parents’ houses, and could financially support a family. That does not seem to be the path that my southern acquaintances follow. It seems that most of them marry while still searching for careers, struggle financially, and then just “make it work.” I also should point out that the military culture does seem to promote marrying at a young age and quick marriages (and, later, quick divorces) due to the uncertainty of war and deploying. I once got into a heated debate with my former roommate about, what he considered, my “snotty priorities” — according to him, finding a man on the same level or above, me was prejudicial because who is to say that an uneducated man working in an aluminum factory would not make me happy.  But I cannot help it if I want a partner with the same (or similar) educational level, political thought and non-ethnocentric views. If that makes me an elitist, well then yes, I am.

In any case, all of this aging and cultural change and debate has made me re-establish some of my goals. Yes, I want to get a PhD and yes, I want to visit Antarctica, but those things are unrealistic right now — especially given my current service commitment. (22 Sep 2014 cannot come soon enough!!)

I have made a list of four goals, taken from my list of “Things to Do Before I Die” (which I wrote at age 16), that I would like to accomplish during my 25th year. Those goals, in no particular order, are:

1. Sing or act in public
2. Write something significant
3. Learn a foreign language
4. Visit a new foreign country

This blog is meant to keep me motivated and keep me on track. Hopefully, it works…

Wish me luck!!

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