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WARNING: Minor spoiler alert

I was so distraught last week, when I read an article about Kellan Lutz giving Kristin Stewart advice about being a vampire. I knew I should not have done it, and that I would be left feeling guilty afterwards, but I could not resist.

I do not feel guitly anymore. I have plenty of other horrible emotions to cope with now.

I have just finished reading Book I of “Breaking Dawn” and I feel like I just caught my (imaginary) husband cheating on me with a man: betrayed, confused and heartbroken.

I have one thing to ask Stephanie Meyer, above everything else: WTF?!

The beginning was lovely — sweet but heartbreaking, just as I expected. But then it morphed into this horrendeous piece of shit.

Be still my aching heart.

What would possess her to write something so fucking ridiculous?

I started Book II, hoping that, because it was about Jacob, it would be better.

WRONG.

Again, the potential was there but, I ended up feeling betrayed… again.

I closed the book after only 150 pages because I felt like I was going to cry. And not the way I cried after finishing “Eclipse,” because these were tears of frustration and disappointment.

I told my mom how I felt I had been cheated. She made me feel better, saying that she, too, had read books that she had been so excited about, only to be let down by the author and a total “WTF?!” moment.  She told me that sometimes, authors go awry, for one reason or another, and we just have to accept it and move on.

I pledged to begin reading “1984” immediately, but talked myself down from that ledge.

I guess I must be a masochist and enjoy pain, because I have every intention of continuing to read tonight.

Maybe, I am just a sad and lonely idiot, so easy to forgive the hurt and the mistakes, and unwilling to let go of something that clearly isn’t right for me anymore.

I am hoping things will have changed and that this slight deviation was caused by mere curiousity and not a need to totally transform from what I had originally gotten into bed with.

I can’t stand anymore heartbreak. I knew this relationship was ending, but I had decided to take it slow and to enjoy it, instead of rushing to its demise. But I did not expect this.

I am not sure if I will recover…

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I love being in love with books.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love reading but the feeling of being in love with a book is amazing.

My last passionate fling with pop culture was the “Buffy” series, and that broke my heart in a zillion tiny pices back in 1997.

After 10 long and painful years, the hole in my heart was slowly closing, having been filled with various books, television shows and movies.  My constant feeling of emptiness had almost completely subsided, but then I made the mistake of watching “Twilight” on one particularly boring Sunday afternoon with my Air Force roommate.

I anxiously waited for “New Moon,” and watched it again and again because it brought me 130 minutes of happiness and joy.  I waited and waited (and waited) with anticipation for “Eclipse” to arrive. But the acting was so shiteous, the high was not what I expected.

Like an addict visiting the Methadone clinic, this was helping, but I wanted the good stuff.

I really loved the story line, so I decided to buy the books and, after purchasing the entire hardcover, first edition set for just $50 (thank you, Amazon!), I found myself entraced with every word Stephanie Meyer’s wrote.

About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Spike and Angel had nothing on Edward. Second, there was a part of me–and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be–that thirsted for every page. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with the series.

That is why I was able to finish “Twilight” in three nights.  And now, I am aching to continue reading “New Moon.”  It consumes my thoughts during the day.  I have been able to shake the image of Kristen Stewart from my head (thankfully) and have since replaced myself in the role of Bella Swan.

What I have been lacking in the form of a real human relationship, I have found in the pages of these books.

But, just like my previous human relationships, this one is fleeting.  I know the end is coming, though I am not sure exactly when.

Instead of days or weeks or months, this amazing and all-consuming part of my life will end after 2,346 pages.

Knowing that this relationship is finite, I struggle with how quickly to proceed.

I want to spend every waking moment devouring each page, and every moment I am asleep, I hope to dream of it. But, if I read through them at the rate that I am, I will be left sad and alone in just a few short weeks.

My heart tells me to just keep going– to come home every day and read from dinner until I cannot keep my eyes open.  I need it, it tells me. How else can I feel so good? How else will I fill my dreams with such wonderful fantasy?

The worst part is, I truly have no idea what “Breaking Dawn” is about or what happens to Bella, Edward, Jacob and everyone else at the end.  I have thought of many possiblities, and I have a pretty good idea of what will happen, but I keep hoping for a big surprise that leaves me in a daze for days. (If you are wondering what I’m wondering, I am pretty sure Bella ends up a vampire and Jacob dies in some beautiful act of love [and stupidity] while trying to save her. I secretly hope this does not happen and Bella ends up staying human, because I would be insanely jealous of the ‘forever love’ that she and Edward would share.)

My mind tells me I have totally lost it.  It is just a book, well four. (Or five, if you count Meyer’s new novella, but that is a tricky mistress I am not sure I want to get into bed with.) Sure, I feel wonderful now and sure, it helps me fill the time during the week — but it will be over before I know it.

So, with the help of Goodreads (www.goodreads.com), I am already searching for a new relationship.  I am do not know if I will be able to find a perfect replacement, but I hope to find something that will help fill the void after I close the cover of “Breaking Dawn” for the last time.

Is that cheating or just good planning?

I am not even halfway through the series (at this very moment, I am only on page 189 of “New Moon”) and I am already looking. That is just like if I had only been out on date #4 and was already planning who I would be taking out to dinner next month.

I am not giving these books a fair chance.

I could end up completely fullfilled after I finish, having found the true love of my biblio-life and be satisfied to never truly love again.

Or, I could just know that, while this was a great and wonderful love, there will be others who, though they may not fill the void compeltely, will allow me enough happiness to move on and flourish.

Someday, the series will fade into a fond memory that, when my grandchildren ask me about those dusty old black books with strange pictures on the cover, I will say only good things about the torrid, 2,000 page affair.

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I have just finished reading “Commited” by Elizabeth Gilbert.

For those unfamiliar with the book and/or the author, I will give you a quick synopsis. 

Elizabeth Gilbert is a 30-something writer who, after traveling the world (which she discusses her previous memoir, “Eat, Pray, Love”) and rediscovering herself, falls in love again.  She and her partner, Felipe, have already been through terrible divorces and never want to marry again.  But, thanks to the Department of Homeland Security, they are forced into marriage.  During their exile, Gilbert spends timing researching marriage, something she fears she is doomed to fail again.  She mixes socio-historical information, family history, and stories from her travels in order to simplify this complex “institution.”

Unfortunately, I was not as pleased with “Commited” as I was with “Eat, Pray, Love.”  I felt as though she embellished and plain made up things in order to make a good story.  Also, I did not like that she claims to be of the same mold as the women in her family.  I do not doubt that she adores her mother and grandmother, but she is hardly as selfless and giving as they were.  After all, she walked away from her first marriage because she was unhappy.  She will now pay her ex royalties forever because she just wanted it to all go away, rather than fight for what was truly hers.  Also, she spent an entire YEAR “finding herself” in Italy, India and Bali. Not really something the women in her family would have, let alone could have, ever done.

But that is not really the point of my rant.

As disappointing as her novel was, it has seriously made me reconsider how much I really want to get married.

WHY do I want to get married so much?

What is it I hope to accomplish by doing so?

A friend of Gilbert’s, said that she just longed to feel chosen.  That getting married was a public affirmation that you are special and that someone has chosen YOU, above everyone else, to spend forever with.

And I think I agree with her.

But that’s all I have right now… all I know is I want to rethink my ideas on marriage and “happily ever after.”

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I have just finished reading Frank Warren’s “A Lifetime of Secrets.” 

If you are not familiar with him, he has several books and galleries dedicated to the postcards of strangers. On these postcards are secrets, fears, hopes, regrets and desires that strangers have shared with him.

I really think everyone should read at least one of his books, or visit his website (www.postsecret.com) because you will probably be surprised that others feel the same things you do.

I will be sending my own postcard to Mr. Warren this week.

I picked out my favorites from “A Lifetime of Secrets.” Some because I feel the same, others because they just made me laugh.

My own secret is among these.

Whenever I fly, I secretly hope the plane will crash and I will die.  This way, I will not have to cause my mother the pain of having committed suicide.

Until 4th grade I thought this was only a map of our side of the world and that there was another side of the world on some other map, somewhere.  Now I am 21. Each year I am more disappointed this isn’t true.

I would rather suffer and die during an adventure then be happy in an ordinary life.

Someday, I want to go for a walk, and come home years later having found myself.

I was just diagnosed bi-polar. Thing is, I’d rather be crazy than just feel crazy.

Stop telling people you “build” your furniture. You buy. Then assemble. There’s no building!

I am very afraid that this is the climax of my life.

I don’t believe in Satan, but once I prayed to him and offered him my soul if he would make me pretty.

Sometimes life is really ridiculously repetitive.

I want to find someone who will still love me after I’ve shared all my secrets.

(sometimes) when I see a relaxed looking police officer, I wonder if I could sneak up and grab his gun.

I love my TV more than people.

I am not afraid of having stories I won’t be able to tell my grandchildren… I am afraid I’ll have lived too cautiously to have any stories that will interest them.

I’m going to change the world.

I am looking for a dare-to-be-GREAT situation. (I really hope I find it. I NEED to find it.)

One day, it will all make sense. It is this hope that keeps me going.

I’m terrified of becoming the Crazy Old Cat Lady. I’m 22 years old, I’ve never had a real boyfriend, and I have 3 cats. I don’t think my fears are unfounded.

I want to say a big “fuck you” to this whole graphic design thing and move to Africa where I can do something important and beautiful.

The most important thing I realized lately is that painful break ups, unrequited love, shitty jobs and the like help us to BUILD CHARACTER and that no matter how bad it feels, we are much better off because of it.

I am going to trust this January.

My biggest fear is being stuck in a life that I cannot walk away from at any given moment.

Every day I thank myself for giving myself another chance.

I’m finally on my way to becoming everything I’ve always wanted to be, especially MYSELF!

Whenever I grab a bowl from the upper shelf I think spiders are going to be inside.

Just because I try not to talk about it… does not mean I am over it, that I feel better, or that I’m ever going to be okay. I just don’t want to be a burden.

Everyone thinks I drink coffee. It’s really Grape Kool-Aid. I. HATE. COFFEE.

I wish I could be someone’s hero

I’m a GOLD DIGGER.

I’m scared I may never have REAL FAITH.

THERE IS A STRANGER LIVING IN MY LIFE… AND SHE’S ME.

I don’t contribute to my 401(k) because I know I won’t live to see retirement.

I’m trying so hard to remember that life is beautiful.

I spent all this time making up in personality what I felt I lacked in beauty.

I just want to go to bed and wake up the person I used to be.

Even though I am a liberal, when bicyclists hold up traffic, I would gladly run them down!

I long for something I can’t understand and sometimes I feel like it will never come and I get scared that this is all there is.

Out of all the students who tried out for 5th grade choir, I was the only one who did not make it. It is my first real memory of shame. It seems like it should be a small and distant memory but I still won’t sing, even in the shower.

In 4th grade, I had to claim my shoe in front of the class when the resident joker put it in the room’s lost and found box. Everybody laughed. He was killed in a car crash 33 years later. I didn’t feel a damn bit sorry for him.

I wrote my will today. Not because it was the sensible thing to do – but because I am worried about what would happen to my purse collection.

I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again… I wonder if I ever was.

I want things back the way they never were.

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Below is BBC’s list of the “100 Books Everyone Should Read Before They Die” or something like that.

I just ordered a bunch from Borders with the giftcard my Dad gave me for Christmas. 

I thought I would share the list with you. I have bolded the ones I have read, italicized the ones I want to read, and put a strike through the ones I have no desire to read, no matter HOW many lists they are on.

Enjoy!

 1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
5 To Kill A Mockingbird – Harper Lee

6 The Bible (just parts, not in entirety)
7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty-Four – George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy (this is one of the books I just bought)
13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller (this is one of the books I just bought)
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (some titles, not all)
15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
(this is one of the books I just bought)
20 Middlemarch – George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll (of course!)
30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
34 Emma – Jane Austen
35 Persuasion – Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne
41 Animal Farm – George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code -Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany – John Irving
45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50 Atonement – Ian McEwan (this is one of the books I just bought)
51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52 Dune – Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck (one of my LEAST favorite books of all time!)
62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt
(this is one of the books I just bought)
64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
(I saw the movies, does that count?)
69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72 Dracula – Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett (this is one of the books I just bought)
74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses – James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal – Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession – AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Alborn (this is one of the books I just bought)
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery (I want to read this un-translated in French!)
93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94 Watership Down – Richard Adams
(this is one of the books I just bought)
95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole (this is one of the books I just bought)
96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

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